LGBTQ+ caregivers: words and realities

Dignity, solidarity, well-treatment, equality. In your life journey and your path in terms of gender identity and/or sexual orientation, you have certainly sought to make these words your reality. The notions of choice and freedom are important.

These same notions appear in the National policy for caregivers. This policy specifies that caregiving must be freely chosen, informed and revocable. Does this surprise you? Do these words ring a bell?

Caregiving sometimes has an impact on day-to-day life (at work or in social relationships, for example). The law stipulates:

(…) it is essential for caregivers to recognize themselves and be recognized in the diversity of the realities they experience, of their life paths and of the contexts in which they assume their role.

The caregiver is a person. With their own reality, values, choices and life path.

What you might be going through

At this point in your life when you’re a caregiver, certain aspects surface, or resurface.

• The chosen family. Over the years, you may have selected your family and friends. When illness strikes, this family sees you become a person you are caring for. Fondation Émergence has developed a program designed specifically for LGBTQ+ caregivers;
• Material and emotional support. The family you choose is a source of social support and an anchor in your journey. The new situation may require a “reversal”: you ask your chosen family for support to... help the person you are caring for;
• The nature of your relationship with the person you are caring for. You may feel the need for respite services, home care or legal advice. When it comes to taking the necessary steps, the question of your relationship with the person you’re helping may arise. And yet, you’re afraid of once again experiencing stigmatizing situations and prejudice;
• Guilt. You’ve been dealing with it for a long time! This time, you feel guilty for not doing enough for the person you are caring for. This increases the risk of exhaustion and stress;
• Access to services. Being LGBTQ+ has not been documented to prevent access to services. Many LGBTQ+ people in caregiving situations have reported positive experiences with health and social service professionals. In general, open-mindedness and freedom from judgment are called for;
• Kindness. As an LGBTQ+ person, you naturally seek your well-being in a positive, inclusive, supportive and healthy environment. And that’s just as well, since the trend is towards kindness;
• Emotions. With what you’re going through, emotions play an important role! What if you made room for them by identifying and expressing them?
• The “alert radar.” Because you’re a member of the sexually diverse community, you already know what to be on the lookout for: financial stress, stress of all kinds, exhaustion, mistreatment, vulnerability, identity management, prejudice, mental and physical health, work, housing, access to services and care, all aspects that can (re)emerge with caregiving;
• Rights. You have the right to choose whether or not to be a caregiver, whether you’re a young person, a parent or a man. You also have the right not to be. The new law is all-encompassing;
• The law. It’s there for you, to defend LGBTQ+ rights and to recognize and support caregivers.

Questions and possible solutions

At work, my colleagues know that I’ve been in a relationship with a man for years, but they don’t understand why I’ve been taking time off to look after him since he was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. What can I do?

Your colleagues may find it difficult to understand what caregiving is, and you may too! Here are some practical tips to help you balancing work and caring, find out about short-term absences, employment insurance and compassionate care benefits, and learn about labour standards and leave for caregivers. With your partner’s situation, you need compassion more than ever.

I’m gay “and” a caregiver “and” a senior. Is this a triple whammy?

We might even add: “and” a man! It’s certainly not easy to combine these realities. Aware of this issue, Fondation Émergence drew up the Charter for the fair treatment of LGBT seniors, which l’Appui pour les proches aidants signed in 2019. When you contact our Caregiver Support Helpline or take a free online training, you’re assured of a homophobia- and transphobia-free environment. In fact, the Avec toi sous un autre toit training course could be just what you need.

My support for a long-time friend is limited to doing his shopping once a week and helping him pay his bills at the beginning of each month. Am I a caregiver?

The law states that support can be occasional or continuous, short- or long-term, and that it is not necessary to be connected by family or marital ties, or even to live with the person being cared for. A recent survey shows that 50% of caregivers provide less than 5 hours of support per week, and that 14% of caregivers are not related to the person being cared for. This diagram drawn up by Fondation Émergence and this short checklist will help you clarify the answer to your question.

I’ve heard it said that in LGBTQ+ communities, very few people self-identify as a caregiver. Is this true? Which raises another question: what’s the point in recognizing oneself as a caregiver?

Julien Rougerie, in charge of the seniors and caregivers’ programs at Fondation Émergence, explains that being LGBTQ+ and not self-identifying as a caregiver represents a greater risk of burnout and increased difficulty in accessing available health and social services.

Over the years, my partner and I have “filtered” our entourage a lot. With her progressive illness, we need help at home, but she doesn’t like the idea of someone coming into the house. How can we convince her?

It’s not uncommon for the person you care for to refuse outside services. In LGBTQ+ communities, this reaction may be even more frequent, due to fear of prejudice. We suggest that you and your partner find out about home care assistance and other services that could meet your needs, and discuss them together. A resource directory is available to help you search by postal code and/or type of service. You can also speak to a Caregiver Support counselor by phone, e-mail or live chat.